Get busy living or get busy dying

Once in a while I see these posts from Manny. I’ve never met Cynthia (mgobluecrk), but I might have read some of her posts and she might have read mine. We share a thread that runs through our lives, a thin connection that is as strong as any bond shared by family. Diabetes connected me to so many wonderful people. A community that watches out for one another. We are each others biggest cheerleaders, the shoulder to cry on and the ones who are always willing to listen.

I don’t know how Manny is able to do this. The community he has built has grown tremendously over the years and it has seen its fair share of losses. Of course I’m saddened each time I see postings of this type, but its important to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Certainly we all have the chance to live a long healthy life, but events like this reminds us to be vigilant.

I’ve never been shy about having diabetes. However, disclosing that fact is always painful. Every time I meet new people I need to make a choice on when/where/how to tell them. Dating is even more difficult. How do you tell someone that despite your healthy appearance, they would have to make major sacrifices to be with you? Sometimes I wonder if I rather be physically handicapped. At least with a visible handicap, there would not be a secret lurking in the corner.

Thirty six hours from now I will be taking my nuclear stress test. I abhor it. Not the procedure itself but for what could result from it. It’s the crystal ball that could tell me when I’ll die. I don’t fear death at all, but I don’t want to hear the ticking of the clock. I want to enjoy all the time I have remaining. Last year I skipped the test, this year my cardiologist is much more insistent.

Tonight I went to The Moth at Nuyorican Poets Cafe with Hannah, LB and Margaux. The topic was about scars. I enjoyed every storyteller who’s stories vary from physical to emotional scars. We sat at the front of the room and the hosts of the show recognized me from when I stood in front of this audience and told my story. They even took time out to introduce me to the audience and the people applauded. I too have a scar. It’s visible on a scan of my heart where a small piece of my heart muscle died. But that’s nothing compared to the scar in my heart that wont show up on any scan.

One day there will be a notice about me. I want to thank Manny for his kind words.

Today I thank: Hannah, LB, Margaux, Manny, Cynthia