Clean slate

How many second chances does one get? None. There are no second chances. Each event stands on its own. I’m not suggesting that events are not tied, they are, but give each thing its own credit to be independent.

Sometimes you have to cut your losses, even when the losses are your own. Give yourself the permission to start over. There are other people in the world. There are people who appreciate you. Realize the ones who do not, and don’t see it as your failing. You’re not for everyone and its no one fault, especially not yours.

Today I thank: Dave, Tammy, Amy, Danielle, Joyce, Jack

Haven’t really posted recently

Not that I haven’t had much on my mind. I have. Not that I don’t have any time. I do. Just didn’t feel like writing. Certainly not about the present.

Here is a story about the past.

Every night I would drive to Jupiter Beach. It was nice to sit and look at the stars. I had to get away from Kristin and from the stuffy apartment. Around midnight I sat on the sand, listening to the wind, looking up at the stars. It was nice and I was learning how to enjoy being with myself. I rarely miss Florida, but I do miss those nights.

One night I sat on the railing of the boardwalk. I don’t remember why I sat up there, maybe it was the vantage point, or maybe it was high tide. In the distance I saw the shadow of a woman walking towards the water. She was in her late 40s to early 50s, wearing a nice dress. She walked toward the water with intent, a woman on a mission. She didn’t test the waters but simply walked into the waves without breaking her stride.

I kept watching as I reached to remove my shoes, then my shirt. When she was hip deep in water I start towards the steps down to the dunes. I couldn’t move my eyes from her for fear of loosing her position in the water. Just then, she turned and headed back to the beach. I felt a wave of relief come over me. I have no desire witness a suicide. Not tonight, not any night.

As she approached me I called out to her, “Hi, are you ok?” She smiled and joined me on the boardwalk. I noticed that she was carrying an urn. We chatted a bit. That night was the one year anniversary of her husband’s death and she went to spread his ashes in the ocean. The ashes were just a pile of carbon molecules. It doesn’t contain her husband and it doesn’t hold the memories of him. She will always have him but she was trapped inside the urn with the ashes.

She smiled and asked me why I was out there. I was there because the ocean has the power to free one’s soul. And that night it freed both of ours.

Today I thank: Jack, LB and Amy for being my best friends. And I also thank Terri for showing me Jupiter Beach.