In a week I’ll be 39 and I’ve finally learned about disappointment. It’s not that people haven’t disappointed me in the past. Some have. And as I write this I feel tremendous disappointment but not towards someone else but disappointment in myself because I’ve allowed someone else to cause this feeling.
There is a knot in my stomach and although I’m incredibly tired, I cannot sleep. I know this is bad for my delicate health, yet I cannot control this feeling.
My logical mind screams, “Save yourself! Let go!”
But disappointment is like a climbing buddy. He hangs below me, dragging me down. But I cannot cut the rope. I would be free of him, I would be saved, but I don’t know how to cut him loose.
You can only be disappointed, if you allow yourself to rely on someone. It can be reliance on someone to come through in a pinch, or just for the belief that someone is there, thinking of you.
It would be very difficult to go through life thinking that no one cares. And it would be impossible to go through life thinking that everyone does. And as much as I try to be there for all my friends, the disappointment that I feel when my friends aren’t there for me is irrational. I cannot control the actions of others, and I cannot expect of them what I expect of myself.
So I’ll do it. I’ll cut the rope and save myself. I shall free myself of my own disappointment. It is solely mine as I am the cause. It is all within me.
Goodbye climbing buddy. I will miss you.
Today I thank:
Jack, Scott, Cheryl, Russ, Gina, Andy