Here is another attempt at creating the worst dating profile

Part of my okcupid dating profile:

Nasal drip

Apr 13, 2010

I hate pollen season. I’m stuffy, dizzy, and my nose drips like a cheap Chinese faucet. I can say that because I’m a cheap Chinese faucet.

Every year around this time my eyes become crusty, I sound like Randy Newman, and I’m constantly looking for tissues or curtains to wipe my nose with. My friend Amy gave me a few suggestions:

  1. Shower before you sleep. This will wash the pollen off your body. You will also benefit from a change of clothes, unless you re-wear the clothes you had on before the shower. I usually burn the clothes I wore that day. You don’t want to know why.
  2. Seal up your room. I was going to try and seal up the room with insulation. Then Dexter on Showtime gave me an idea. I’ve covered everything in painting tarp just like he does.
  3. Buy Neti-pot. It’s a little pot where you shove one end in your nose and pour water in. It’s some kind of water boarding for your sinuses. I was able to obtain some sensitive information about Al-Qaeda from my nostrils.

Unfortunately those tips have not worked. So tonight I’m going to sleep with a plastic bag over my head. No pollen will get through that if I make sure its taped securely around my neck.

I’ve collected some awesome photos of various colors of phlegm. I’ll post them on flickr for everyone’s benefit.

On a different note, why hasn’t anyone contacted me for a date? I’m really quite the catch. Except right now I’m like catching an eel, slimy and snotty.