Disappointment

In a week I’ll be 39 and I’ve finally learned about disappointment. It’s not that people haven’t disappointed me in the past. Some have. And as I write this I feel tremendous disappointment but not towards someone else but disappointment in myself because I’ve allowed someone else to cause this feeling.

There is a knot in my stomach and although I’m incredibly tired, I cannot sleep. I know this is bad for my delicate health, yet I cannot control this feeling.

My logical mind screams, “Save yourself! Let go!”

But disappointment is like a climbing buddy. He hangs below me, dragging me down. But I cannot cut the rope. I would be free of him, I would be saved, but I don’t know how to cut him loose.

You can only be disappointed, if you allow yourself to rely on someone. It can be reliance on someone to come through in a pinch, or just for the belief that someone is there, thinking of you.

It would be very difficult to go through life thinking that no one cares. And it would be impossible to go through life thinking that everyone does. And as much as I try to be there for all my friends, the disappointment that I feel when my friends aren’t there for me is irrational. I cannot control the actions of others, and I cannot expect of them what I expect of myself.

So I’ll do it. I’ll cut the rope and save myself. I shall free myself of my own disappointment. It is solely mine as I am the cause. It is all within me.

Goodbye climbing buddy. I will miss you.

 

Today I thank:

Jack, Scott, Cheryl, Russ, Gina, Andy

Why doesn’t Teller speak?

He does. I’ve heard it.
I went to the Penn & Teller show at the Rio on Sunday, Apr 24th. Forget those big productions with large African mammals and performers with European accents, this is the magic show to see when you are in Las Vegas.

Teller is a soft spoken, affable guy. He patiently took photos with all the fans and signed the programs. Before the show I picked up a clear Starbucks cup. When I presented it for him to sign, he smiled when he recognized that I am a big fan of the Penn & Teller version of the cups and balls trick.

This classic trick is simple to do, but it takes years to master. And the P&T version of this trick turns it on its ears. They used a clear plastic cup and showed how complex yet effortlessly they performed this trick. This trick symbolizes everything about Penn & Teller. Their brand of magic is not about producing a miracle. They are entertainers. Sometimes part of the entertainment is to let the audience in on the secret.

The show ticket had a coupon which was redeemable for a 30 page glossy guide written by Penn and Teller. It briefly chronicled the history of P&T and of the partners from the other’s perspective. There was also an article in which Teller wrote that one day he will be looking at the stage for the last time. But not tomorrow.

Teller does speak, and when he does, he will blow your socks off.

 

Today I Thank:

Penn & Teller, TJ, Sylvia, LB

Getting back on the horse

A new year, a new attitude and Nikki made me write this. It’s only fair, I made her write four entries. When you think about it, I got off easy!

Since the last time I posted, I’ve traveled to Jordan for a wedding, Laura and Marcus visited, I moved to a new apartment, and my nemesis was fired from work.

OK. Done. That’s all I have for today.

Nah, I can’t cop out like that!

Recently I went to the Taiwanese embassy. Located on 42nd and 5th Ave, the Taiwanese embassy is housed in an interesting small building flanked by two high rises. I went with my mom on a snowy Tuesday morning
with impending BLIZZARD OF 2010. The fourth floor of the embassy was almost entirely empty. I filed my paperwork and sat in the lounge waiting for a fax to arrive from Taiwan. A incredibly talkative and somewhat inappropriate security guard from Guiana joked with everyone who came in.

After a half hour of sitting on these ridiculously uncomfortable plush benches, I stood up to stretch my legs. At at moment, an older couple came in from the elevator. The man walked towards the lounge chairs and the woman walked straight to the service window.

“Hey Mama, hold on a second!” yelled the security guard. “You need to take this ticket. Pappa, you can have a seat and be comfortable. Actually, give your money to Mamma and then sit down”.

The woman turned and walked towards the lounge where the ticket machine was located.

My mother began kicking my leg. She looked intently into my eyes and loudly whispered, “DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?!!”

Yes, I do. That is the woman took part in wrecking my childhood. That is the woman who haunted my family even as recent as last year. She looked a lot older but her face is burned into my memory.

Bai was a Chinese Opera star in her youth. She tore my family apart and when my parents where in a business partnership with her and her husband, they stole tons of money from the business. When my parents threatened to expose them and call the police, they made a deal to sell my parents the business.

Last year when the State of New Jersey used imminent domain to steal the business from my family, Bai filed a lawsuit to try to get some of the compensation. She looked at the 20-year-old sales contract and found a small technicality. We went to court and the judge toss the suit out immediately. She didn’t have any claim, but that didn’t stop her from trying to capitalize on our tragedy.

And she was walking towards me. She had a beaming smile and skipped and hopped towards the lounge. “What a wonderful surprise!”, she says. “Wow, the last time I saw you, you were a chubby little kid. And now look at you, such a handsome adult”. “How is your father? Not well, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he recovers quickly”.

She still got it. She should have continued as an actress because she is damn good at her craft.

Today I thank: Nikki for getting me to write, Jack ( punembook might become a reality), LB, Lux, and my mom who left for Taiwan tonight.