Here is another attempt at creating the worst dating profile

Part of my okcupid dating profile:

Nasal drip

Apr 13, 2010

I hate pollen season. I’m stuffy, dizzy, and my nose drips like a cheap Chinese faucet. I can say that because I’m a cheap Chinese faucet.

Every year around this time my eyes become crusty, I sound like Randy Newman, and I’m constantly looking for tissues or curtains to wipe my nose with. My friend Amy gave me a few suggestions:

  1. Shower before you sleep. This will wash the pollen off your body. You will also benefit from a change of clothes, unless you re-wear the clothes you had on before the shower. I usually burn the clothes I wore that day. You don’t want to know why.
  2. Seal up your room. I was going to try and seal up the room with insulation. Then Dexter on Showtime gave me an idea. I’ve covered everything in painting tarp just like he does.
  3. Buy Neti-pot. It’s a little pot where you shove one end in your nose and pour water in. It’s some kind of water boarding for your sinuses. I was able to obtain some sensitive information about Al-Qaeda from my nostrils.

Unfortunately those tips have not worked. So tonight I’m going to sleep with a plastic bag over my head. No pollen will get through that if I make sure its taped securely around my neck.

I’ve collected some awesome photos of various colors of phlegm. I’ll post them on flickr for everyone’s benefit.

On a different note, why hasn’t anyone contacted me for a date? I’m really quite the catch. Except right now I’m like catching an eel, slimy and snotty.

I used to be so funny

At least I thought I was funny. I posted this on an online dating site okcupid more than a year ago:

Why won’t you date me?

Mar 31, 2010

If you want to enjoy the summer, why not let Chuck be your date? Out of an estimated 200,000 single men in New York, Chuck is considered by far the best.

Hello. Let me buy you coffee. Please, when you’re thirsty? Let me get that soda. It would mean so much to me, if you would just let me buy you a drink. Come on, you need some fluids! Somebody’s gotta buy that bottle of water! Why.. why can’t it be me? Please? Hey! Hey! Please let me buy you a drink.

Come on, let the boy take you out!

Hi, hello. Are you good? Good! Let me get you a sandwich. While you’re drinking that coffee. Come on, please? Let me get you a panini? You’ll really enjoy the sandwich while you drink that soda. Let me get a sandwich for you. Come on, I’m already gonna be buying you a drink. Just say yes to let me buy you a sandwich. Please? Don’t look away – look at me! I honestly and sincerely would like to buy you a hoagie.

He’s a good hard-working boy! Let him buy you a sub!

Hey, look who’s here! It’s nice to see you again, you look great! Let me hold your hand. Don’t shake your head “no”. Let me hold your hand. No one else is holding it . Please let me hold your hand? Nothing weird’s gonna happen. I’m not going to squeeze too hard. You can trust me. I’ll even let go when we’re in public and look away, how’s that? Please?

Sweet Mother of God, what is the hold up?! Let the boy hold your hand! He said he’d let go in public!

Please don’t make me let go.

He’s a nice boy! Let him hold your hand in public! For God’s sakes!

Let me touch your boobie, please? When you notice, don’t make me remove my hand. Please, let me touch your boobie? I’ll touch them over the clothes. It will be more of a brush. Please? I won’t bother you. You won’t even have to look at me. Please, let me touch your boobie, please? I’d like an answer, and I’d like that answer to be “yes”. Please? I’ve already held your hand. If you didn’t want me to touch your boobie, why’d you let me hold your hand? Just let me touch your boobie, please?

Can we STOP this cruel game! And allow the boy to keep ONE shred of diginity! For God’s sake, I can’t STAND to see him in all this pain!! You VICIOUS BASTARDS!! Let him touch your boobie!! Is it so bad to see somebody happy?! So just let him TOUCH YOUR BOOBIE!! For the LOVE OF GOD, let the boy touch your boobie!! Good Lord!!

I’m not gonna beg you. My track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

Just date him. Let’s face it, he’s gonna touch your boobie anyway.