Here is another attempt at creating the worst dating profile

Part of my okcupid dating profile:

Nasal drip

Apr 13, 2010

I hate pollen season. I’m stuffy, dizzy, and my nose drips like a cheap Chinese faucet. I can say that because I’m a cheap Chinese faucet.

Every year around this time my eyes become crusty, I sound like Randy Newman, and I’m constantly looking for tissues or curtains to wipe my nose with. My friend Amy gave me a few suggestions:

  1. Shower before you sleep. This will wash the pollen off your body. You will also benefit from a change of clothes, unless you re-wear the clothes you had on before the shower. I usually burn the clothes I wore that day. You don’t want to know why.
  2. Seal up your room. I was going to try and seal up the room with insulation. Then Dexter on Showtime gave me an idea. I’ve covered everything in painting tarp just like he does.
  3. Buy Neti-pot. It’s a little pot where you shove one end in your nose and pour water in. It’s some kind of water boarding for your sinuses. I was able to obtain some sensitive information about Al-Qaeda from my nostrils.

Unfortunately those tips have not worked. So tonight I’m going to sleep with a plastic bag over my head. No pollen will get through that if I make sure its taped securely around my neck.

I’ve collected some awesome photos of various colors of phlegm. I’ll post them on flickr for everyone’s benefit.

On a different note, why hasn’t anyone contacted me for a date? I’m really quite the catch. Except right now I’m like catching an eel, slimy and snotty.

I used to be so funny

At least I thought I was funny. I posted this on an online dating site okcupid more than a year ago:

Why won’t you date me?

Mar 31, 2010

If you want to enjoy the summer, why not let Chuck be your date? Out of an estimated 200,000 single men in New York, Chuck is considered by far the best.

Hello. Let me buy you coffee. Please, when you’re thirsty? Let me get that soda. It would mean so much to me, if you would just let me buy you a drink. Come on, you need some fluids! Somebody’s gotta buy that bottle of water! Why.. why can’t it be me? Please? Hey! Hey! Please let me buy you a drink.

Come on, let the boy take you out!

Hi, hello. Are you good? Good! Let me get you a sandwich. While you’re drinking that coffee. Come on, please? Let me get you a panini? You’ll really enjoy the sandwich while you drink that soda. Let me get a sandwich for you. Come on, I’m already gonna be buying you a drink. Just say yes to let me buy you a sandwich. Please? Don’t look away – look at me! I honestly and sincerely would like to buy you a hoagie.

He’s a good hard-working boy! Let him buy you a sub!

Hey, look who’s here! It’s nice to see you again, you look great! Let me hold your hand. Don’t shake your head “no”. Let me hold your hand. No one else is holding it . Please let me hold your hand? Nothing weird’s gonna happen. I’m not going to squeeze too hard. You can trust me. I’ll even let go when we’re in public and look away, how’s that? Please?

Sweet Mother of God, what is the hold up?! Let the boy hold your hand! He said he’d let go in public!

Please don’t make me let go.

He’s a nice boy! Let him hold your hand in public! For God’s sakes!

Let me touch your boobie, please? When you notice, don’t make me remove my hand. Please, let me touch your boobie? I’ll touch them over the clothes. It will be more of a brush. Please? I won’t bother you. You won’t even have to look at me. Please, let me touch your boobie, please? I’d like an answer, and I’d like that answer to be “yes”. Please? I’ve already held your hand. If you didn’t want me to touch your boobie, why’d you let me hold your hand? Just let me touch your boobie, please?

Can we STOP this cruel game! And allow the boy to keep ONE shred of diginity! For God’s sake, I can’t STAND to see him in all this pain!! You VICIOUS BASTARDS!! Let him touch your boobie!! Is it so bad to see somebody happy?! So just let him TOUCH YOUR BOOBIE!! For the LOVE OF GOD, let the boy touch your boobie!! Good Lord!!

I’m not gonna beg you. My track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

Just date him. Let’s face it, he’s gonna touch your boobie anyway.

Tell me a joke Chuck

Anthony sent me a message today, “Tell me a joke Chuck”. I drew a blank. I used to know lots of jokes. I’ve memorized every punch line. It started when I read a book of jokes collected by a NYC taxi driver. There are all sorts of jokes, from childish, to racist to dirty. Here is one told to me by Andrew C in 7th grade:

A bear and rabbit were squatting next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit, “Does shit stick to your fur?” The rabbit answered “No.” So the bear pick up the rabbit and….

At this point in the joke, Andrew pretended to wipe his ass with an invisible bunny. Andrew was great at telling these particular types of jokes. He had another favorite about a dead cat but I wont go into details. You’ll have to ask me or Andrew in person.

I love telling stories, unfortunately mine just aren’t funny. I think I’m a funny person and I can usually make my friends laugh. For some strange reason, sitting alone at my computer, I cannot write anything humorous.

Adam Wade, now that’s a funny guy. He won Moth Story Slam 15 times! So enjoy this story by Adam, and I’ll try to think of a funny story.

Today I thank: Anthony, Alita, Adam Wade, Dad, LB, Andrew

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xF75rJOdQU

Dr Detroit

I loved this movie. I remember watching it as a child. It stars Dan Ackroyd as a professor turned pimp. It’s a silly movie with a dance number to close out the movie. James Brown is in it. If you haven’t seen this, run don’t walk, to Blockbuster’s. I think I liked it for all the big haired hookers. And of course, Dan Ackroyd was amazing as a pimp with a metal hand.

I like to rephrase that

The following is an actual IM conversation between an old friend (female) and myself. As she’ll be reading this, I like to stress that I used the term “old” as in “have known for a long time” and not as in “aged”. Her name has been changed so that her future husband will not know the power she possess.

Shortly before the beginning of this thread, I sent her a link to a Meredith Vieira biography on Hulu.com.

Buttercup: so she should hvae walked away from her husband as other women did?
Charles Lin: no
Charles Lin: wow
Charles Lin: you really take whatever you want to hear and use it to stick it to people
Charles Lin: you’re ready to raise children
Buttercup: LOL
Buttercup: cant stop laughing
Charles Lin: you and my mom are like the jedi master
Buttercup: no no
Buttercup: YOU said that most people would walk away in my cases
Buttercup: so was just confirming what you said??
Charles Lin: yes, but I said it in context
Charles Lin: you take it out of context
Charles Lin: the context is why you find yourself in difficult relationships
Charles Lin: at no point was that a judgement or whether you should walk away
Charles Lin: i simply pointed out that most women would.
Charles Lin: Im by no ways trying to imply that you should or meredith vieira should either
Buttercup: OK. Clear now.
Charles Lin:geez
Buttercup: Thanks for the accusaion followed by the clarificaiton
Charles Lin: I should record this…
Charles Lin: I can use this again
Buttercup: you should
Buttercup: then you would be prepared when you have kids
Charles Lin: no, more like being prepared to have a wife
Buttercup: it wouldbe like a training
Buttercup: no no
Buttercup: being a bully parent
Charles Lin: only women have this sort of power
Charles Lin: its some kind of mother to daughter training you receive
Charles Lin:seriously, I’ve never heard a guy start an argument with “You said….”

Buttercup: hm I recollect someone citing crap from a decade ago
Charles Lin: as in “you said I look fat”, “you said you like your mother’s cooking more”, “you said you dont have any female coworkers”
Charles Lin: could be the start of a comedy bit
Buttercup: and you said i said a bunch of stuff from 10 years ago
Buttercup: who remmebers this shit
Charles Lin: haha
Charles Lin: and there ya go
Charles Lin: “and you said I said a bunch of stuff from 10 years ago”
Charles Lin: haha
Charles Lin: priceless
Buttercup: oh wait…rephrase
Buttercup: you cited me from 10 years ago
Charles Lin: sorry, recording the entire thing
Charles Lin: haha
Buttercup: good. do that