Chuck Lin

Life in a fish bowl

Disappointment

In a week I’ll be 39 and I’ve finally learned about disappointment. It’s not that people haven’t disappointed me in the past. Some have. And as I write this I feel tremendous disappointment but not towards someone else but disappointment in myself because I’ve allowed someone else to cause this feeling.

There is a knot in my stomach and although I’m incredibly tired, I cannot sleep. I know this is bad for my delicate health, yet I cannot control this feeling.

My logical mind screams, “Save yourself! Let go!”

But disappointment is like a climbing buddy. He hangs below me, dragging me down. But I cannot cut the rope. I would be free of him, I would be saved, but I don’t know how to cut him loose.

You can only be disappointed, if you allow yourself to rely on someone. It can be reliance on someone to come through in a pinch, or just for the belief that someone is there, thinking of you.

It would be very difficult to go through life thinking that no one cares. And it would be impossible to go through life thinking that everyone does. And as much as I try to be there for all my friends, the disappointment that I feel when my friends aren’t there for me is irrational. I cannot control the actions of others, and I cannot expect of them what I expect of myself.

So I’ll do it. I’ll cut the rope and save myself. I shall free myself of my own disappointment. It is solely mine as I am the cause. It is all within me.

Goodbye climbing buddy. I will miss you.

 

Today I thank:

Jack, Scott, Cheryl, Russ, Gina, Andy

Guilt

For all of Brad’s enthusiasm and collection of photo equipment, he was not a very good photographer. He was not a very good network administrator. He believed in conspiracies. And worst of all he tried to cure his cancer with vitamin B.

I wanted to tell him that he was crazy. Maybe tie him up and force him to get some real medical treatment. Who’s to say which one of us was more in denial? Him in believing that doctors don’t know what they are doing or me believing that there was any hope.

I didn’t know he had cancer when we hired him. I didn’t know he had cancer when his family invested their saving in the failing company. I would have tried to stop him. But that’s Brad, always positive. He came from a family that was positive. Brad’s dad invested the little money he had saved as an electrician into a completely mismanaged start-up. After he signed the check, he came in the office to wire up some equipment. Never seen a guy so happy to be crawling under desk with a screw driver and a flashlight. You’d think he bought the winning lottery ticket.

I know it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t make him any promises. I certainly didn’t suggest that he buy stock in the company. But that doesn’t really lessen the guilt. I was their leader. I didn’t do a very good job protecting them. Lots of people lost money. Some of them can simply write this off. But for some, it was their life savings. The company had spiraled out of control. I had lost any say in what went on from the very beginning. Still, I kept a front.

I really thought I could turn this around. I made some deals and gave up as much as I could to try to fix things. But in the end I lost. I lost my enthusiasm, my best years and nearly my life. But that is nothing compared to what Brad’s family lost. They lost Brad.

So today I thanks these people, and I ask for forgiveness:

Brad, Scott, Jack, Mike, Lorraine, Jenn, Jay, Anthony, TJ, Keith, Estelle, Doreen.

——————————

Brad passed away at 5:12 p.m. Saturday, January 24, 2009. He fought a
long, hard battle with colon cancer for many years. He was 37 years
old.
He was loved so much and will be missed even more.
Sincerely,
Bill and Sherron

Distance is only geographical

Skyped with Albert tonight. He and I were roommates in college. We got each other through some rough times and we had some of the happiest times in my life.

I haven’t seen Albert in a long time, both of us lead busy lives. The distance between us is only a geographical limitation. When I speak to him on the phone or via the internet, it is as if we’re still roommates. He’s getting married this year I am so happy it is as if was my wedding.

I can’t wait to tell him what has happened in the last 10 years. I want to hear all that’s happened to him. Thank you Albert, for being a part of me, for teaching me humor, and for teaching me how to be assertive.


So today I thank:

Albert – my brother

Dave – my brother

Jack – my brother

Scott – my brother

Anthony – my brother

Matt – my brother
BG: 119 @ 2:16am EST